when some things happen in ur life and u feel like just giving up, u tend to have double thots. what ifs just fill ur mind, and u feel like becoming... and escapist.
i am sick and tired of being that perfect whoever people label me and want me to become. a good musician, a great christian, a good daughter, a perfect student, a great leader, bla bla bla...
i am just who i am. i feel so made used of by becoming that whoever they want me to be. i just wanna be me. i want to be a designer; no matter how much they want me to become, i do not wish to compel to such demands. i do not want to be so controlled, so restricted, so strained. i am just sick of everythg.
i have decided, to walk a path i chose. to be in control of my mind, not to be brainwashed in any way.
i have also realised my naiveness has caused my downfall. i thot that some people are trustable. yes, they may be the ones who walked with me down life's narrow path but trust is just a easily broken piece of glass. yup. i know, people around me would definitely tell me things like, it's just a misunderstnding, it's not what u think and everythg... but i choose to believe what i see. i know that from their point of view, definitely they would push the blame to me saying it was me who caused everything. do i not know their character better than others?
ya. they are just perfect angels in human form. the fault was never theirs. could they say it was? masked and pretended. acted out to delude me. i had enough. although i know anger should not rise up within me.. i can't forget those nightmarish incidents they pounded at me with fists and scolded me till my nights were filled with tears. forgiveness comes with forgetting incidents. i can forgive but not forget. it would definitely take awhile
i envy those who are able to please both parties while being themselves. i can't. cause both parties are just at loggerheads. dad's right. i'm in the middle, the choice is in my hands. hence, i made my decision today and just lead my life my way. not their way nor his way. i am kinda tired of living up to expectations.
