today's the 13th of sept.
tomorrow is someone special to me's special day.
happy birthday!
many things happen over the weekend. weekdays were as retinal as usual. i hate the idea of next week. cause' decem won't be in the office... leaving me and LV and lan jie.
sign.
i would be very very very sad. she's like.. one of those colleagues i can communicate better with. sign.
over the weekends... i met up with a friend and i ran a big errand - sending a present to someone's doorstep. i kinda miss the place. i was praying before heading there that i would run into aunty and guess what, i ran into her at the lift landing... and so we chatted.
after which... i passed her the gift that was meant for birthday boy.
i don't know how to really express my feelings throughout that whole anticipation and that chat with aunty. i miss aunty so much. she's like... someone i count dear to me but yet... at times... i tell myself i can't treat her so dearly because it might cause awkwardness.
and for the first time, i admit, i nearly cried when talking to her. i was practically choking back my emotions and swallowing my tears. i just held it back...
i changed alot since the last time i saw aunty. so much, she couldn't recognise me.
i went out on friday and sat. i don't know why but... i have mixed feelings. it was the first time on the flyer with someone you don't like yet you don't hate. it was the first time i enjoyed a movie so much but felt stranger to the one sitting beside me. it was the first time i sat in someone's car thinking about a million and one things other than the driver.
i feel terrible now.
really terrible
i suck at this.
big time.
i appreciate companionship.. but besides that.. i wonder if that kindness shown was beyond friendship. i feel bad that you enjoyed yourself so much but.. on my side... i just.. solely looked at it as time spent with someone. i thought by making it clear while we were on the flyer would probably be good... but i felt really bad when i saw the disappointment.
what should i say now?
sorry?
sign. the worst is... you don't seem to get the cue.
argh. my middle name is not cruel nor frank. it's more likely to be soft-hearted or timid.
seriously, i feel terrible right to my marrow. i regretted going out with you. i wished you didn't treat me this nice. i wished you didn't pick me up and ferry me all around. i wished you didn't paid for the tabs nor did you suggest to go interesting places. i wish we stayed as cold as we used to.
i wonder if how i feel towards you was how my ex felt towards me during our first date.
i wonder if i ignored you, would you still persist and wait for me and ferry me to anywhere i wanted to go.
i wonder if you read this post, would you stop being so nice or stop asking me out.
cause i wished everything stopped now. for i will feel even more guilty and well, trying to avoid you.
and if you knew why i feel so unmoved by you, i believe you'll hate me.
sign.
2 birthdays in 1 week. 1 terrible feeling in 2 days.
i remember you telling me the importance of the hand brake in your car.
i think we should use the hand brake now.
feeling terrible and totally numb,
goodnight world
